Mean Mom

I have joked in the past with my Mom friends that I am a mean Mom. I laugh and relate some story of how I made Milo eat his veggies at dinner and how mean I am. I laugh knowing that making your child eat his veggies is not really mean, but done from love. But a recent conversation with Milo made me rethink this. What if I have earned my title as Mean Mom. What if I really am?

Me: Milo, this room is a disaster. I need you to come in here and clean up these toys!!!
Milo: Mom, okay I will. Finn made most of the mess.
Me: Milo these are your toys, I see action figures, star wars guys, transformers in here, and Finn does not play with those.
Milo: Okay Mom!!! (exasperation in his tone)
Me: You are well aware of your jobs in this house, picking up your toys is one of them. I am not a maid, and if I come in here and have to pick up these toys one more time, I will throw them away
Milo: (crying) please Mom don't throw my toys away. I will clean them up. For reals!

Later that evening at dinner as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes I was reflecting on my behavior. And I felt horrid. Why would I threaten a little kid with throwing away his toys? I mean I know not to threaten something I cannot carry through on. So would I be prepared to actually throw away his toys? Oh wow, I probably wouldn't throw them away, but I would donate them. But it would break his heart. It would literally break my child's heart. Am I being too harsh? I decided to ask.

Me: Milo am I mean to you?
Milo: (thoughtfully) Um, sometimes you are.
Me: When am I mean?
Milo: Only since I was 2.
Me: Since you were 2 huh? But can you give me an example of when I am mean?
Milo: When you yell at me Mom, and sometimes you hurt my feelings.
Me: (blow to the heart right there. I struggled to keep my composure) Is Dad ever mean to you?
Milo: (wide smile) Nope, but sometimes to Finn.
Me: When is Dad mean to Finn?
Milo: Everyday. But not to me.
Me: Okay. Good to know.
Milo: Can I have a treat?

So this conversation was super calm and had zero drama and thus I took it to heart. I think I would have felt differently if he had said, "you are a mean Mom" to me after I asked him to clean up his toys or told him he couldn't watch anymore TV. Perhaps I have been too hard on him. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Perhaps I am making much ado about nothing. I do know that I am not trying to be mean or harsh. I know that I ask him to be responsible because it is my job as his Mom to show him what it means to be responsible for his possessions. To eat fresh foods so he grows up strong and healthy. To use his manners so that he grows up known as a gentleman not just a "guy." To treat people, most especially women with respect so he will be a good boyfriend/husband/father when he grows up. To run outside and play and use his imagination instead of sitting like a lump in front of the TV so he will look back on his childhood with fond memories not clouded by a TV haze.

However my approach to these lessons I think has been slightly off. Mark says that I am being to hard on myself, and I am doing my best. And I think that sometimes it is hard to look at yourself in the mirror and make a clear assessment of our values as parents. It is hard to admit you have been wrong especially when you don't want to be wrong. But am I doing my best? I don't know. And if I am doing my best, is my best good enough? That is the question here.

So while it might be a bit late for a "New Years Resolution" and I am already halfway through lent so a Lenten change will not work either. I think I will make a March Resolution. I don't want to be the Mean Mom. I want to be the Fair and Understanding Mom. I want to be respected but I want to teach respect and fairness and honesty. Nobody wants to live under a tyrannical leader, especially not a 5 year old.